Tuesday, July 23, 2013

A shift

I've been a bit MIA on my blog for awhile because a sort of shift has been taking place within.

I have spent so much time the past few years working on changing my family's diet to deal with our numerous health problems, now it's time that I move onto other areas that are equally as important.

We don't have our diet down pat, and all of our health problems are not resolved, but I at least have things under control enough that I can now focus on other things. So that is just what I've been doing. And, I am so excited about the changes that have been taking place so I wanted to share them with you! (Because, as you know...I love to share).

I've written previously about the fact that I struggle with depression and anxiety, so much of my focus this year has been on healing myself emotionally. I have done many different things to take care of myself (exercise, talk therapy, supplements/medication, meditation, self-care) and although I still have days where my emotions get the best of me, I am absolutely astounded at how much the things I have started putting into practice are helping.

About a year ago, I did yoga for the first time and LOVED it. I have not done it regularly, but I am amazed every time at how incredibly challenging and relaxing it is all at once. It is so invigorating! I would love to do yoga at least once per week because it is just so amazing.

I've also been learning more about Aura Personalities and energy healing. There is this amazing shift happening on the earth right now. It all makes so much sense because I am totally experiencing it first hand.

Recently, I attended a fabulous Kundalini Yoga and Meditation retreat. It was just wonderful to be surrounded by so many like-minded women. Soon after that retreat, I began a 40 day meditation practice. I have not done it "perfectly" but I have meditated every day since beginning and I can't even begin to tell you the difference I am already seeing in my life. I am doing a meditation called "Sa Ta Na Ma" which is said to clear the subconscious and be a catalyst for change. Well, seriously, it is changing me! I was skeptical at first - I mean, how could chanting something for several minutes of a day do anything? But really, it is changing me and I have proof!

About two months ago, before I started meditating, I went rock climbing for the very first time with a friend. It was SO scary. I could not believe the fear I felt inside. I realized how very afraid of heights I am! It was challenging physically, for sure, but the hardest part was overcoming my mind! I literally could barely make it up the wall because I was paralyzed with fear. After three times or so of trying, I mentally quit and didn't try again (this has been a pattern in my life, repeated over and over).

Just this evening, my husband and I went rock climbing - only my second time ever. I was amazed. This time, I was able to climb to the top of the wall and hardly felt fear at all! There were a few moments when I couldn't find a foot or hand hold where I'd feel a flutter in my chest, but my mind was able to overcome the negative thought or feeling of fear and I was able to conquer myself. I cannot tell you what a mental difference there was inside me! I am so proud of myself for climbing today and for overcoming my fears! I really can't find adequate words to describe just how powerful those moments were to me. I have lived most of my life with extreme fear that has kept me from trying much of anything or sticking with anything. It feels so good to break free from that. I feel like I am truly living for the first time in my life. At 27 years old.

 

I have also noticed that meditation has helped me be more patient as a mother. I am still working hard to be more present with those in my life, but my patience has exponentially increased. I have also tried to meditate along with my kids (we love doing this one and this one). Just yesterday, we meditated in the morning together, then recited a scripture verse and prayed. They were noisy and rambunctious throughout the whole thing and I kind of felt like it was a failure! However, later on in the day, my sweet and crazy five year old Max started singing softly to himself, "Sa Ta Na Ma." And I just smiled. Because it's soaking in. And that makes me happy. I hope they can grow up having some wonderful tools to help them be truly happy and confident.

Another thing that I've recently began is exercising vigorously. Exercise is NOT something that comes easily to  me. I do not really enjoy it! I hate running, am not terribly disciplined, and tend to give up easily (I could give you a million examples throughout my life where I gave up on something that was too physically challenging, it's quite comical!). I don't like sweating and it's difficult to push myself. I bought a Groupon and have been attending classes at Xtend Barre Provo and wow! It is so challenging but so rewarding! Every time I'm in the class, I think to myself "Why the heck are you here? This is so freaking hard!!!!" However, every time I finish a class, I am unbelievably proud of myself for not giving up and for making it through. It is building my self-esteem and confidence in so many ways. Especially because exercise is not something I particularly enjoy! I am excited to see myself improve and become stronger (and hopefully lose some almost two year old baby weight!). Really, if you're looking for an amazing workout, try it. You'll be soaked in sweat two minutes into 55 minute class. I thrive in the class atmosphere because I am simply just not determined enough to work that hard on my own. It has been incredible and I can already see changes in myself after a few workouts. It really helps that it is dance, which is right down my alley, as I used to dance and really, really love ballet :)

Many of the things I'm doing (especially related to exercise!) are completely out of my comfort zone and have been really big stretches for me.

A year ago my therapist said to me - "You need to find some things in your life that you can feel proud of. That don't involve other people, like your kids. You need to find something that you can be proud of that is all about you."

I think I've found some things that I can definitely proud of. It feels so good to be building my self-esteem.

The point is - I am changing. And it is amazing. And I don't feel like it's through my own willpower, per se. Yes, I am working hard to change, but some amazing things are happening inside because of my effort. And it feels so good.

11 comments:

  1. This is wonderful! It gives me a lot of hope that it is helping your anxiety as well! I recently started my meditation over again and I'm on day 6. Yay! Thanks for sharing!! Mandy

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  2. Good for you! I can't say anything for meditating, but exercise is a must for me and it is the one thing that is just for me the entire day. You love your kids and we should be proud of them, but we also need to be proud of ourselves and how we made ourselves better. What a great accomplishment.

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  3. I'm so happy for you, friend.

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  4. Yay! I loved reading about your growth. It is so exciting. :)

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  5. Hi Kami! I really enjoyed your post. I'm so glad things are looking up for you. I feel like I can relate to you on so many levels! I had post-partum depression with Mason and Myles and had a lot of anxiety about a 3rd baby. I have learned so much since the first two births, and this last birth I experienced very little depression. I was also able to give birth without pain medicine and it could not have gone better. I could not believe how empowering natural child birth was. I felt that empowerment come thru during some of those difficult sleepless nights where I would normally crumble. I feel for you with all of the challenges you are faced with, but I very much admire your strength and courage. I think you are stronger than you realize.

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  6. I didn't have a chance to finish my thought above. I had to get off the computer feed Rowan. What I was going to tell you was you helped inspire me to try natural child birth. I felt like if someone I knew did it I could do it too. Thanks!

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  7. kami good for you! I feel like as soon as my kids aren't so needy (baby) I want to do more focusing on me too. On Brian and I's date last night I was just telling him that I feel like I lost myself sometimes. its always about everyone else. It would be nice to find something that I felt proud of, for myself. Thanks for the push :) love ya

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  8. I just wanted to 'introduce' myself! I found your blog by searching for calcium mix avoidance ideas in NAET. I a, always surmised to find another momma's journey so closely paralleled with mine....I shouldn't be at this point, but it is somehow reassuring to know you are not alone. I have enjoyed many of your posts poking about, thank you!

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